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Gambling Jokes & Humor
Here are some of the funniest gambling jokes ever - have a break and laugh out loud with these funny jokes.
Bad State Lottery
Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar State Lottery? The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.
The Marriage Bet
There's the touching story of the young man who said to his girlfriend, "I bet you wouldn't marry me."
The story goes that she not only called his bet but she raised him five!
The Ex Girlfriend
Dear John, I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool. I love you. All my love, Heather. xxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
A Doctor Poker Player
A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"
Play Your Age
A woman was in a casino for the first time. The spinning ball of the roulette wheel has always caught her attention. She decides to play at the roulette table and she says, "I have no idea what number to play."
A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 29. The wheel is spun, and 36 comes up. The smile drifts from the woman's face and she faints.
A man walks into a butcher's shop and inquires of the butcher: "Are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Yes".
The man replies, "I bet you $50 that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there."
The butcher says "I'm not betting on that."
"But I thought you were a gambling man" the man retorts.
"Yes, I am" says the butcher "but the steaks are too high."
Dog Playing Poker
A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiousity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog.
Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing.
However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!"
The player smiled and said, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
Buckshot was a compulsive gambler, and would bet on anything and everything; horses, dogs, football, baseball, basketball, snooker and even soccer games. When Buckshot was down to his last dollar, he went to his best friend and said "Roy, I need $1000, we have no food, I owe rent, the kids need jeans for school, and the wife won’t leave the house because we have bad checks at all the stores. Can you help me out?" So his best buddy gave him $2000 to get him ahead, but on one condition, that he does not use the money for gambling. Buckshot’s reply was "Oh, I have money put away for that."
Who, Me Gambling?
A priest, minister, and rabbi are playing poker when the police raid the game. Turning to the priest, the senior officer asks:
"Father Shaunessy, were you gambling?"
The priest turns his eyes to heaven, murmuring "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then says, "No officer, it was just a social game."
The officer then asks the minister: "Pastor Fredrick, were you gambling?"
Again, after a message to heaven, the minister replies, "No, officer, I was not gambling."
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: "Rabbi Goldschmitt, were you gambling?"
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: "So with whom would I be gambling?"
Listening to the Voice From Above
A man is walking along a deserted beach when suddenly he hears a deep voice from Above.
"DIG!" it says.
He looks around, but there's nobody there. I must be imagining this, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again:
"I SAID, DIG!"
So he starts digging with his bare hands, pushing away the sand. A short way down he uncovers a small chest with a rusty lock.
"OPEN IT," commands the deep voice.
OK, the man thinks, Ill open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally opened, he sees a gleaming pile of gold coins.
"TAKE THEM TO THE CASINO," the deep voice says.
Well, says the man to himself, the casino is just ten minutes walk away, why not? He changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. Now he hears the deep voice saying:
"27, PUT IT ALL ON 27."
He takes his heavy pile of tokens and drops it at the 27. The table groans under the weight. You can hear a pin drop as the croupier throws the ball. The ball stays at the 26. The deep voice says: "SHIT!"
One day, at a casino buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing.
He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed.
Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. "Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried.
"Are you a paramedic?" "No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
One day Widdster walked in on his parents having sex. "What are you doing?" asked Widdster.
"We're playing poker and your mom's the wild card," replied his father.
So Widdster walked out and went into his sister’s room and saw his sister and her boyfriend having sex. "What are you doing?" asked Widdster.
"We're playing poker and he's the wild card," replied his sister.
So Widdster walked out and went to his room. Later on Widdster’s father walked in. "What are you doing!" yelled his father.
Widdster replied, "I'm playing poker!"
"But where is your wild card?" asked his father.
Widdster replied, "With a hand like this who needs a wild card!!!"
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.
Joe again prays...
"God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.
Once again, he prays...
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:
"Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
"I want you to help me stop my son gambling," an anxious father said to his boy's principal. "I don't know where he gets it from but it's bet, bet, bet."
"Leave it to me," said the principal. A week later he phoned the boy's father. "I think I've cured him," he said.
"Well, I saw him looking at my beard and he said, 'I bet that's a false beard.'
'How much?' I said, and he said "$5 "
"What happened?" asked the father.
"Well, he tugged my beard, which is quite natural, and I made him give me $5. I'm sure that'll teach him a lesson."
"No, it won't," said the father. "He bet me $10 this morning that he'd pull your beard with your permission by the end of the week!"
A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home, arriving back 3 a.m.
He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.
The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man.
Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor.
The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree." The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."